How much longer does the world have to suffer as a result of Vladimir Putin’s Small Penis Syndrome (SPS)? It seems almost a day cannot go by without some kind of aggressive statement from the Kremlin issued either by him or his cronies. This week it is something along the lines of ‘Don’t forget we’ve got Nukes and were not afraid to use them!’ The analogy between the phallic shape of a ballistic missile has not been lost on Psychologists with one – Professor Henrie Gaunt of Vienna’s Rossenburg Institute observing that what Putin actually wanted to convey with the press-release was something along the lines of ‘Is that an Intercontinental Ballistic missile in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you?’ Which was designed as a clear diversion away for anyone wondering at the true size of his package.
Photo by Jedimentat44
Of course Mr Putin’s neurosis and regular attempts to divert people away from his penis size are not new to the Russian people. In the past decade he has been photographed, filmed and seen at public events in an increasing state of undress or inexplicably dressed, for instance, in the garb of a topless cowboy, a construction worker, an American Indian and even as a leather clad motorcycle gang member, that time he inaugurated the Moscow equivalent of a new YMCA. At the time there were some whispers in newspapers (whose proprietors have all long since been sent off to the Siberian Gulags) that he may actually be gay, until a very helpfully aid pointed out that that would now be impossible in Russia as Putin himself banned all gayness and gay activity in Russia only last year. The aid then suggested that we check out the photographs of him with tigers, polar bears or watch any one of his countless appearances dressed in his Karate suit (least we ever forget he’s a black belt) before we consider him as a cartoon caricature, dripping with manufactured machismo.
Following the past year of conflict and tension between Russia and Ukraine, almost all of it fanned by Putin himself, many psychologists have been quick to describe his mental state as being increasingly similar to the symptoms of Napoleon Complex – a rare condition named after Emperor Napoleon of France. Conventional wisdom is that Napoleon compensated for his lack of stature by seeking power, war and conquest. Indeed, it was revealed only this year that Napoleon also had an incredibly small penis, which was apparently cut off during his autopsy by his somewhat cruel doctor, Francesco Autommarchi, in front of 17 witnesses, before it was then acquired by a priest Abbé Anges Paul Vignali who gave the Emperor his last rites, just before he died on the British Island of Saint Helena.
However, Professor Gaunt, whose most recent book ‘The Peccadilloes of Vertically Challenged Dictators’, first alerted the world to Putin’s increasingly aggressive symptoms to the point of correctly prophesied the annexing of Crimea almost two years before it actually happened, now believes it is high time Napoleon Complex was renamed Putin Complex. In a rare interview recorded after Putin’s recent boast at yet another Kremlin fancy dress party, when dressed as a diminutive Terminator from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s famous franchise, Putin was heard to say: “I could take Kiev in 2 weeks if only I could be bothered.”
Gaunt even postulated that ‘If Napoleon had had Nuclear weapons, during that dreadful winter of 1812, when he was forced to retreat after being routed by the Russians at the very gates of Moscow, he may well have used them. However, as for Putin, he said: ‘He may talk a good game but while it is still possible for him to accidentally stumble into a nuclear war, I don’t believe he would do it deliberately, unless he somehow believed that annihilating seven billion people would somehow make him look even ‘harder’ to the handful of aides and crony survivors allowed into his bunker, who would be all that was left of the Russian people. Of course there is always an upside – even to nuclear Armageddon – because the world would then be spared the press releases and photos of him dressed as Ivan the Terrible, in Cuban heels, and pierced nipples, the costume for which is being run up by a seamstress from the Urals even as I write this.